Stories of Hope
Wendy’s Story
It started as the perfect pregnancy and I’d planned everything down to the color sheets he would sleep on. Then suddenly, like a bad dream, everything changed.
At first, the nurses and doctors wouldn’t even tell me what was going on. When they finally told me it was preeclampsia, they weren’t forthcoming with the details. With instructions for strict bed rest and blood pressure checks every hour, I thought they were being overly cautious — I felt fine.
Left with nothing but time to Google exactly what preeclampsia was, fear suddenly became a constant companion. I was so scared I would lose my son.
He was born 5 1/2 weeks early, had breathing problems, and blood sugar levels that were so out of whack that he had to stay in the NICU. I didn’t get to hold him for the first 8 hours!
On day 2, my son was flown to another hospital and despite having a c-section less than 48 hours earlier, I left to follow him.
It was 10 days before I finally got to bring him home but it didn’t stop there. Eventually, my supportive friends and family had to go back to work while I was forced to face the fear and anxiety that had ruled the last part of my pregnancy.
I thought bringing him home would chase away that anxiety, but it didn’t. I was afraid to sleep - what if he stopped breathing? I was afraid to take him anywhere for fear he would get sick. The oxygen and monitor cords didn’t help…. neither did my postpartum depression.
I felt like I had failed before I even began and I couldn’t do anything but cry. Then my mom reminded me to rely not on what-ifs, but in the things I was certain of. I pulled out my Bible and went to a familiar place.
“Be strong and courageous. Don’t be afraid or terrified because of them, for the LORD your God goes with you; he will never leave you or forsake you.”
- Deuteronomy 31:6
I had read this before several times, but this time I felt like it was just for me. God’s word met me right where I was. Though the fear didn’t instantly leave, whenever it came up I would quote the scripture and reminded myself of God’s promise. I wasn’t alone.
Joey is 4 now and has no physical problems. I still have anxiety occasionally about him, but I remind myself of what I know; I didn’t fail, I had simply failed to recognize that God had been with us the whole time. What I know is God will never leave me or Joey.
Joanna’s Story
Hope is a hard concept for me. It’s such a vague thing that when I was asked to relay a Story of Hope, I struggled to even figure out what that meant.
But I have always known that God is with me, so I decided to start there.
When I was seventeen years old, I began having terrible back problems. I could barely walk, I was in pain all the time, and I lost weight because I couldn’t get out of bed to eat. And while I was struggling to finish my senior year of high school, I didn’t realize that my mother was also sick.
One day, she made a deal with me; neither one of us was particularly keen on doctors, so she said that if I agreed to go to the doctor she would too.
Off we went. They couldn’t pin down what was wrong with me, but they knew right away what was wrong with my mom.
Cancer.
It’s a small, but terrifying word.
My aunt had died of breast cancer when I was a little girl and she left behind three kids, a husband, and countless friends — including her best friend, my mom.
For months, my mother endured treatment and radiation therapy. She lost too much weight and was always cold and tired, but she smiled and joked when she could. She prayed for me, that my back would stop hurting, and I prayed for her, that she would be healed.
After a full hysterectomy, she felt better, so I moved to California to live with my grandmother for the summer. One day, during our weekly call, she told me she was playing with my nephew when she felt a hard lump in her abdomen. I immediately came home. The cancer had spread.
Our church prayed and fasted and prayed some more. They could try chemotherapy, but there was no guarantee against such an advanced and aggressive cancer. Then, one Friday morning I woke up and just knew… she was gone.
The rest of that day was a blur. I remember begging my sister to confirm because I couldn’t step foot in the room and we knew Dad wouldn’t have the strength. I remember calling my brother and telling him to come home. I remember crying, just once in deep-wrenching sobs, and I remember watching them take her bed out of the house.
But most of all I remember my anger. I was mad at everyone! I was mad at my church for showing up the night before and spending hours praying with and for her. I was mad at the man who sat on my couch and made jokes about death while we made final arrangements. I was mad at myself for being selfish. But most of all, I was mad, so so mad, at God.
My mother was saved in her twenties and had served God faithfully. She had struggled with horrible things all of her life and was still so beautiful. She loved God with all her heart and trusted Him completely. And He let her die!
I went to church on Sunday, because I knew I should, and I cried during worship.
I remember driving in my car shortly after her death and just raging at God. I screamed, I cried, I ranted, and I unleashed all of the hurt and pain in my heart. I pointed it all straight at God.
When I was younger, I was taught that you should always only speak to God with respect and honor; you never yell at God or blame Him for your pain. My best friend told me that was stupid, that if God is so powerful, then He should be able to handle a little criticism. And she was right.
So, I pushed out all of my hurt and I placed it squarely on God’s shoulders. And the most miraculous thing happened. He took it! He took it and He held me while I cried. He told me that I would be okay and promised that He would stay with me. And if I needed to be mad, that He would stay through that too.
See, when God says that He will never leave or forsake you, He means it. He means that even when you are hurt and lashing out, He will still stay. That even if you are too depressed to lift your head, He will stay. And that even if you stop trusting His plan or His goodness, He will still stay.
I never thought that I would be able to see good in the death of my mother. That when the Bible says “He works all things together for good” that this was the one exception. But that’s not true. He can turn your mourning into dancing and your sorrow into joy.
I will always miss my mother, and there are days when the grief is still sharp. But God has never left me alone in my pain, and He has surrounded me with people that love me and teach me. He has never abandoned me, no matter how many times I tell Him I’m mad at Him. And He has blessed me exceedingly and abundantly.
Crystyl’s Story
When I was a teenager, my parents went through a pretty ugly divorce. As the oldest of three, I tried my best to step up and help with my younger siblings while my parents fought to get our new lives sorted out. This forced me to grow up quickly and, without realizing it, develop some deep anger issues.
The situation paved the way for countless arguments, fallouts with my friends, resentments, and negativity that nearly choked the life out of me for years.
I found God during this time and things seemed to improve. After some time, I felt like I was getting back to a normal relationship with both my parents. That is until similar events happened for a second time with my mother.
Instantly, the old anger, resentment, and rejection lifted its ugly head and spurred on a fallout with my mom that would cause us to not even talk for over two years. I felt raw. I felt betrayed. But mostly, I felt my “old self” starting to overtake me again.
I didn’t like who I had been before I met God. I was so afraid of losing all my progress as a person. But then I remembered that if God was big enough to handle me then, He was big enough to handle me now. I couldn’t do this alone.
I dove headfirst into God’s love and His word.
“For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the Lord, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.
- Jeremiah 29:11
This verse reminded me that this was not the end for me! With His love, the rejection disappeared and He gave me an identity that was not steeped in anger. He healed my scars and made me stronger.
Though it took some time, today my mom and I have a great relationship. I have forgiven old hurts and finally have the hope to build onto our relationship and future together; I know that it is all thanks to God being bigger than my doubts, my hurts, and my fears.
This is the truth that I continuously lean on, to this day!